Im slow dancing in a burning room.
I dont know how to deal with this..
Hey Jude, don't be sad
Då har jag varit lite effektiv här hemma iom att jag inte är så effektiv på pluggfronten så måste man ju göra något! Dessutom är d. utomlands och hälsar på familj samt ska på bar-mitzvah (avis!) så jag får unna mig lite egentid iaf!
Har idag:
diskat rent efter d.
tvättat och hängt upp tvätt
vattnat blommorna
hängt undan tvätt
bäddat om gästrummet.
Myskläder på, jordgubbar är framme och lite Baileys med, snart blir det Top model Sverige!
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Ny layout och design.
Var på tiden att bloggen fick ett lite nyare ansikte. Kanske kommer lite med att jag har förändrats som person med sedan jag skrev regelbundet sist och faktist fixade layouten. hoppas ni läsare kommer gilla detta uppläget annars får ni jättegärna komma med kommentarer och synpunkter.
Morgon!
Vaknat till mr. Nozuka.
Dags att planera dagen.
men nu blir det té och frukost först!
I love you like a lovesong.
Då var det dags igen. kände att det behövs en liten updatering här på bloggen!
ikväll är första kvällen ensam i lägenheten för mig på ett bra tag.
så den spenderas med en hemkommen Emilie från tågstationen där jag vinkat av D.
Barca tröjan är på, Jordgubbar, äppelpaj och vaniljsoya står på schemat med någon bra film.
Känns ovant att vara hemma själv, speciellt efter hjärnskakningen så har det varit lite obehaligt.
Dessvärre är jag lite orolig igen eftersom att huvudvärken kommit tillbaka, men det är förhoppningsvis inga problem.
Helgen spenderades hs morfar, skönt att komma hem lite! känns alltid som att komma hem lite när man är hos dem. slippa laga mat och oroa sig över alla vuxenproblem.
anywho, nu ska jag välja film, samtidigt som jag inväntar samtal så tiden kan få gå lite snabbare.
Imorgon ska bli effektivt, träning sedan plugg!
x
D.A.H.
Jag vill ha fler ögonblick som detta.
Jag vill ha fler upplevelser som dem vi haft.
Jag vill ha mer av dig.
Jag vill ha mer minnen, upplevelser och stunder som dem jag har med dig.
Jag äslakr hur du ser på mig, hur du försvinner i min blick och sedan ler.
Jag älskar när vi lagar mat ihop och slutar med att vi skrattar åt något helt annat.
Det är som tankeläsning, bara det att vi har exakt samma tankar.
Jag älskar att vakna upp bredvid dig.
sådana här stunder vill jag ha fler av under 2012.
I DON'T THINK I'LL GO TO LA ANYMORE.
Assassin.
Im feeling like a "Relive-D-Moment".
Im going to fill the bathtub with warm water, pour bubble bath into it til there's enough bubbles to cover me all the way up to my chin and lower lip. I'll turn the lights off and light candles. The same ones we had. I'll make a John Mayer playlist with all of our favourite songs like "edge of desire" and "your body is a wonderland". I'll pretend you are here with me and I smile at you. I'll pretend you are smiling back. I'll take your hand and guide you to the bathtub with me. I'll pretend to lay on your chest and feel your heart beat. I'll pretend that I'm not missing you. I'll pretend not to cry. I wish our love wasn't a study of distance and a battle of keeping you inside my head for sanity without all the perplexity from something like distance. I wish we could have it like everyone else. You get in, you love, you give.. and then you're gone and I'm asking myself, where you really here? I'm starting to realize it was all just a dream.
I know im not alone, my head is on your chest, oh how you make me sleep like a child. I should have turned around and left before the sun came up again, just like Mayer. I'd steal your heart and leave you like noone ever did before. I would, but how silly of me not to know I'd fall in love with you instead. I'd fall so hard I can't breathe. Funny how I'm putting myself to sleep every night with your messages. Dreams, daydreams about you and I. Funny how I'm yearning to live in a fantasy world of my own mind. But every time I get to the best part of my dream, I realize its time to wake up and by waking up, I get to the same end of the story every single time. The ending without you.
It takes time to realize it's only a dream. It takes time to see you're really not here. So here I am, in the bathtub all alone, pretending like never before. Crying cause I have noone to smile at. No smile to return as a response to the one I'm giving you. Pretending to be loved. Pretending I can love. Pretending everything is fine...preteding. Our love had too much pretends.
And yes I'll keep the lights off cause without you, I prefer to be in the darkness so noone can see how it's killing me. .
I am 19 turning on 20, I can take care of myself...
I've changed. Since last year, I've changed so much. In every kind of aspect, no matter from what angle of view you look at it, I changed. And I guess it's a continous process, like it's been uptil now. It's weird how I'm supposed to summarize my entire year, an entire year of my life. A year I spent as the age of 19, which now turns more into something with two complete different digits, something like 20. Something that once seemed so far away.
It's been a long process. I've enjoyed, dreaded, regret, laughed, cried, experienced, feared, excited, exhalted, astonished, punished, depressed, lost, in tears of joy and pain, been thankful, matured, been mourning, been happy.
I've felt so much in this year that I didnt expect nor imagine to feel or endure. Mostly due to experience of certain events I didn't expect to occur. I've become more mature, learned how to handle certain situations that I previously only managed with great difficulty. But with time I've overcome most of my less decicive fears and I've finally proceeded in taking a step out of my safety net for once. I've met new people, experienced new cities, enjoyed life like a bite in the apple. and I cant wait to have it all.
I opened a new chapter of my life with the previous years spent age, and now it should be time to close it and start on yet what seems like a new chapter. but honestly I feel like its already been made in between the lines of the year gone by. Just becuase I turn into a certain age, closer to a certain phase in my life, I don't feel that it would be nessesary to summarize the previous year and expect anything special from the new one.
I like to see my life in the summary. cause if I don't, if I don't see all the good things, and all the bad things as something good that I learnt from, then who will?
I'm therefore not summarizing nothing.
no fragments. no phases, no procedures, no nothing's.
I choose to live my life,
summarize it or not,
it's up to you. I know I won't.
I prefer to enjoy every moment,
and for those moments I might enjoy less, at least I will learn from.
D.
For you I have a fist full of tears.
For you I have an ocean of feelings.
For you I can walk a million miles,
from startingpoint to the finnishing goal,
but still everytime I'd enter that very same finnishline I'd be wondering just as much as when I started the entire race, what really happened?
Honestly, I dont know.
how I met you? Does it really matter?
How much I care? Does it make a difference?
I tell you every day, I love. and I love it.
I love loving you. And yes I know I'm insane, no matter if you tell me all the time that I'm not. I loose my mind every day. But with you, sanity knocks on my door. Sanity is a gift you give me every day, every time I look at you, every moment I can and get to spend with you.
If it takes words. If it takes actions from another universe, not even then I'd be able to put these feelings into normal set of sentences. Is this the type of inevitable love our parents warn us from already in the earliest state of our childhood? Is this the type of holiness, purity and spiritual completeness I've been looking for for so long? Is what you give me what I want and for once not what I need?
Did I finally find it? Most of all, is this how it feels?
I share with you everything. every day, all the joy, the pain, the current of differences, of complexity in my life. I tell you all my thoughts. I spill my soul to you without you even asking me to. And I can't say more honestly than this, it feels incredible. As well as its so perplex, this feeling, this story, this occurence of heartache and delusional joy, I cant let it go. I dont want to let it go even though I know, I am fully aware of the fact that everything has its own time and eventually all good things come to an end. So I wait for you til I cant wait no more. You tell me everyday to be patient, no matter how much I hold it back, it makes me crazy. Now, its not far.
And it kills me at the same time as it brings me so much joy. It kills me cause I know the time for you to leave will come once you are here. Cause thats life. The beginning of something is the end of another chapter. and our chapter is still just opening. Its like we read the summary on the back of the book already. At the same time, I have no idea how it will end and no idea what will happen or not even how it started.. and a part of me doesnt want to know either. There is that part of the sneaky ema I want to imprint and forever conserve in my heart. Why? Cause its a part of me that reminds me of you.
I cant wait. I cant explain the joy. Ive never felt so worldless, so speechless so unable to express my feeling. At times I want to write, at times like this it works. Other times I write a sentence or two in my head, I look at it and erase it the same second, just cause of the fact that its not powerful enough. Its not descriptive enough. Maybe its not supposed to be. . just like this text itself. But its a bit like my love for you. makes no sence, has no ending, no beginning, no structure. Its not supposed to show or prove anything. Its me spilling. Its me sharing a part of my soul with you. Its you listening. Its us discovering.
So I'll have a fist full of tears for you.
I'll have a heart of love, a heart of purity for you.
I'll have a mind, a consiousness to listen, to feel, to understand you.
I'll have an insane braincapacity and most of the time, it doenst focus on what I'd like it to focus on.
Most of the time, its reflecting what my heart speaks.
and last, I have compassion.
I have joy in my life.
I have something that makes me smile.
I have a lover.
I have you.
I care.
Maybe the reason ive been rejecting you, rejecting the fact that you want to be a part of my life, want me as your own is that ive always had in the back of my head, "she cant replace my mother". And maybe, maybe youre not supposed to replace her.
Honestly i dont know why i never bothered to work on our relation, in fact, ive been taking somewhat of a distance from you. Today is a new day, and there will be changes.
All we can do is make the best of it. so what if it doesnt work out? at least we tried.
Mr. therapy man
jag är ledsen men det finns inte plats för dig i mitt liv. iaf inte så som det ser ut nu.
jag har kämpat, och vill helst leva för mig själv. jag kan inte binda mig. jag är ledsen.
oavsett hur mycket jag hade velat. så nej. jag kan inte och det går inte. jag måste få känna på livet lite, jag måste få leva mitt eget liv. med fokus på mig, precis som vi sa.
inte en bra da. med mindre bra nyheter från den otroligt idiotklassade svenska sjukvården. så pass så man bli arg och ledsen och gråtfärdig samtidigt.
då är processen igång igen.
Facebook -deactivated. verkliga livet och studierna - activated.
Hej school! och heej böcker!! i högar... möbler är fort på väg upp i lägeneheten då den enbart är halvt inredd. och det börjar bli lite mer normalt att sova och leva här.
men gud, vem trodde att det skulle bli så ensamt?
C.
Vart är pause-knappen till mitt liv?
Det hade varit underbart ibland.
Håller ni inte med?
spoiled L.A. Girl
Efter en lång bilsemester med familjen är jag äntligen hemma!
Vi bilade ner genom tjeckien och slovakien, samt tyskland. finns sjukt fina små smultronställen som så få människor vet om i östeuropa. dock är det skönt att vara hemma.
Kallt väder och regn. men vad förväntade vi oss? haha =)
Efterlängtat att få träffa mormor med och hon hade en del överraskningar för min del. enbart i positiv bemärkelse är att tilläga. Det blir en del att göra här hemma, bland annat leta möbler till den nya bostaden. är det någon som har bra tips så får ni gärna dela med er. Eftersom att det blir målat och sådant nu när jag är hemma kommer det bli sjukt intessant när jag åker ner igen och inreder. hehe, längtar!
Nu ska jag fixa en hårinpackning och måla naglarna etc. sen blir det iväg igen =)
More
blivande make, bli min taaack!
På repeat medans jag tömmer ur det sista ur rummet.
Kan inte bli bättre.
Jag mår bra, glad och full av energi.
Japp, det är såhär det ska vara.
Äntligen sommar!
